Should Women Divorce?

Obviously there is not one answer to the question of whether Jewish women should seek divorce when they are unhappily married. Every situation is unique. But I think that there are considerations that are specific to the Jewish family.

First of all, I will state at the outset that, in the case of abuse - whether emotional, physical or sexual - women need to seek the appropriate mental health counseling. A rabbinical perspective alone, in my opinion, is insufficient to determine the safety and well-being of a woman. Too often women have been told just to "be nicer" to their husbands and everything will be ok.

Nor am I referring to the post-separation or divorce period, when angry men refuse to give their wives a get. These actions are intolerable and our society should not condone them.

On the other hand, at any time prior to divorce - when there is no abuse present but poor marital relations - I will now go out on a limb and state that I think 1) most marriages can be saved and 2) most women and men can be happy in their marriages. These goals constitute an awesome, but not impossible, challenge.

I am not talking about sacrifice here; I don't believe that women or men should martyr themselves. But learning to live within the limitations of one's life situation is the ultimate path to growth... and love.

The Jewish Mother Stereotype

If you are Jewish and a mother, you are automatically labeled a "Jewish Mother." That puts you in an extremely pejorative category.

The stereotypical Jewish Mother is a nagging, overprotective, manipulative, controlling, smothering, and overbearing mother, one who is often getting involved in her children's lives long after they have grown up. (Rachel Josefowitz. Jewish Mothers Tell Their Stories: Acts of Love and Courage)

I don't believe in stereotypes, neither for myself nor for others. But I do think that our histories have a huge impact on our current behavior.

Therefore - since I do have a very loving but controlling Jewish mother - I have to work at listening without interfering into my married children's lives. This is ironic, since my profession is one that requires active listening skills.

My weakness shows what happens when a mother's anxiety interferes with her common sense.

However, for every negative there is a positive. Thus, if we Jewish mothers channel our anxiety about our children into more productive avenues, we have much to contribute to society. Many organizations, both professional and voluntary, are headed by lapsed "Jewish Mothers" - Jewish or not.

Viva la mere!