A Child is a Microcosm of the World

When we say that a child is a "small world," we state a value that is profound and has significant implications.

A world is totally self-contained. There is nothing missing in it. It is the culmination of G-d's work and therefore contains the seeds of all creation for all time.

Similarly, a child is totally complete. There is nothing missing.

And just as we don't expect a desert to be filled with water or a mountain to be flat as the plain, so too we should not expect one child to have the assets of another.

Moreover, we can no longer talk about "deficits." Each child has certain characteristics that are unique to him/her. That child may need extra "water" or "sunshine" but the purpose of these supplements is to bring the seeds to fruition.

Look for the beauty in your child. Help others see it, too.

Is Religion Healthy for Women?

Karl Marx called religion the "opiate of the masses." If that's true, then this is one drug from which we can all benefit.

A recent study by researchers at Yeshiva University and Albert Einstein School of Medicine found that, among postmenopausal women, "regular attendance at religious services reduces the risk of death by approximately 20 percent."* What remarkable findings!

Even after controlling for the extent to which the women socialized with friends or had risky habits such as smoking and alcohol consumption, the results indicated that attending religious services - without specifying what religion - protected them against death.

The researchers couldn't explain the results. Meanwhile, it's a good idea to maintain your link to G-d.

*(http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/130085.php)

A Holy Place

The Grand Canyon was formed by the inextricable flow of the Colorado River over millions of years.

Walking to a viewpoint is like entering a cathedral; sitting there – listening to the music of the wind and looking at its majestic walls – one senses the presence of the King.

We are so small, so temporal. Yet each one of us is a part of the River. And just as each drop contributes to the River’s flow, so too each person is essential to the progress of mankind.

We will not live to see the end of days, when everyone’s actions will culminate in the Grand Design. But know that we are part of G-d’s overall plan and revel in our significance.

Dethroning Cinderella

Many Jewish girls grow up in the same way that I did; namely, find a boy and he'll take care of you. This credo implies that
1) When we have a problem, we should turn to our boyfriend or spouse and he'll rescue us.
2) Conversely, we are unable to solve our own problems.
3) Another person is responsible for our happiness.
4) Conversely, we are incapable or devoid of that responsibility.
5) We can be happy only when we are with someone else, not when we're alone.

This Cinderella Complex has jeopardized marriages, eviscerated girls' self-images, and doomed them to a life of dependency and unhappiness.

It's time we recognized that the root of Cinderella is "cinder" and that too many relationships are set afire from the smoldering ashes of dependency.

Two people who are strong, capable and ready to love and be loved can truly be a Royal Couple.

Preparing for the New Year without Guilt

Some people like this time of year. I find it very difficult. Examining oneself can easily lead to derogating oneself. Looking at what went wrong causes one to minimize or ignore what went right. In sum, self-examination in preparation for the New Year can be downright depressing.

Indeed I've often thought that women have an extra "guilt gene". Some of us feel guilty at the slightest hint of having done something wrong. And, if we didn't do anything, we'll even make it up to satisfy the other person's perception of us!

Pardon me for my sins. Atone my wrongdoings. Excuse my errors.

Never mind. I'm moving on. I've apologized enough this year. I'm focusing on what I do right!

Women as Uninvited Guests

Several years ago, our congregation built a new synagogue building. They made a nice, wide central entrance with a covered doorway for the men. The women have two options to enter the building; either a side door or a door that's on the front of the building. The side door is nondescript and practical. The front entrance is at the top of concrete steps that are uncovered and extremely slippery in many types of weather.

There is no entrance for handicapped women.

When elderly women wish to participate in the services, a special request must be made for the men to set up a partition in the back of the men's section on the main floor.

The rest of the women walk up three flights of stairs to the balcony, with no accommodation for any infirmities that would make this climb difficult.

Once seated, women cannot see into the massive hall downstairs where the main services take place. Only women seated in the front row can see the Rabbi or Prayer Leader - if they hunch forward or stand up.

How did this architectural discrimination occur?

Not one woman was formally on the planning board for the new building. Some women voiced their opinions to their husbands. But the board members did not survey the women as to what would work for them. The few men with influence and/or money made the decisions for everyone else.

Women, as usual, are being given short shrift. We are allowed to participate, as long as we don't make any trouble.

Should Women Divorce?

Obviously there is not one answer to the question of whether Jewish women should seek divorce when they are unhappily married. Every situation is unique. But I think that there are considerations that are specific to the Jewish family.

First of all, I will state at the outset that, in the case of abuse - whether emotional, physical or sexual - women need to seek the appropriate mental health counseling. A rabbinical perspective alone, in my opinion, is insufficient to determine the safety and well-being of a woman. Too often women have been told just to "be nicer" to their husbands and everything will be ok.

Nor am I referring to the post-separation or divorce period, when angry men refuse to give their wives a get. These actions are intolerable and our society should not condone them.

On the other hand, at any time prior to divorce - when there is no abuse present but poor marital relations - I will now go out on a limb and state that I think 1) most marriages can be saved and 2) most women and men can be happy in their marriages. These goals constitute an awesome, but not impossible, challenge.

I am not talking about sacrifice here; I don't believe that women or men should martyr themselves. But learning to live within the limitations of one's life situation is the ultimate path to growth... and love.

The Jewish Mother Stereotype

If you are Jewish and a mother, you are automatically labeled a "Jewish Mother." That puts you in an extremely pejorative category.

The stereotypical Jewish Mother is a nagging, overprotective, manipulative, controlling, smothering, and overbearing mother, one who is often getting involved in her children's lives long after they have grown up. (Rachel Josefowitz. Jewish Mothers Tell Their Stories: Acts of Love and Courage)

I don't believe in stereotypes, neither for myself nor for others. But I do think that our histories have a huge impact on our current behavior.

Therefore - since I do have a very loving but controlling Jewish mother - I have to work at listening without interfering into my married children's lives. This is ironic, since my profession is one that requires active listening skills.

My weakness shows what happens when a mother's anxiety interferes with her common sense.

However, for every negative there is a positive. Thus, if we Jewish mothers channel our anxiety about our children into more productive avenues, we have much to contribute to society. Many organizations, both professional and voluntary, are headed by lapsed "Jewish Mothers" - Jewish or not.

Viva la mere!

What's a "bathing suit?"

I was in the sportswear department the other day, waiting in line at the cash register. I heard a little voice ask,

"Mommy, is that a bra?"
"No, it's a bathing suit."

"Mommy, is it underwear?"
Again, "NO. It's a bathing suit!"

"Mommy, it's not underwear?"
"NO!"

Out of the mouths of babes.

What's in a Name?

Do you know how many women change their names over the course of their lifetime? My guess is the majority of us.

I changed my last name, for example, when I married. I use my married name professionally as well. Many women today keep their professional and personal names separate.

A name connotes identity; how I see myself and how I present myself to the world.

Take the name of my blog, for example. It's called "Jewish Coach" but you can access it via "Frum Coach" or "Jewish Coach." What's going on here? Do I have identity confusion?

No, on the contrary. I think that our society has narrowed our definition of ourselves, dividing us into separate groups. In truth, I hope that we defy categories; that we all belong to the big one: Jewish women.

Speaking Out

Finally, I have a blog where I can be totally and truly myself!

I am an Orthodox Jewish woman. As a professional psychologist and coach, however, I interact and identify with all Jewish women. I know the isolation and connection; the fear and elation; the anger and joy of being a Jewish woman.

How many of you wish you had someone to talk to? Someone you can confide in without fear of recrimination to you or your children? Someone to turn to without the stigma of seeing a therapist, of being "seen" or "heard" by someone in your family or community?

Well, finally, here is a place where we can meet and talk in total anonymity. You are safe here, as long as you do your part to protect your identity.

On my side, I will speak out about all the burning issues of our time. I will address them from the perspective of a frum professional woman. That label may sound full of contradictions, but then again it may speak of the breadth of my world view.

Welcome to jewishcoach.com!